Quiz: Are you a PDA offender?

By Jane Hoskyn When Tom Cruise found an alternative use for Oprah Winfrey’s sofa and manhandled Katie Holmes on every available red carpet, the world did not say “aw, sweet”. The world bit its knuckles. It’s lovely to see a grown-up couple expressing affection for each other, but there’s a difference between lovely and icky, and the Tomster crossed that line. Are you over there with him, or do you know how to give good PDA? Take our quiz to find out!

1. You’re having a pub lunch with your mum, when a total Pattinson walks by. You…
a. Pretend to ignore him while your mum babbles about Uncle Dan’s corns.
b. Sneakily try to catch his eye.
c. Jiggle in your seat, and loudly tell your mum that you’ve just seen the man you’re going to marry.
d. Execute a perfect two-fingered wolf whistle.

2. You’re on a first date with a guy you really like. As you stand at the bar together waiting for your drinks, what are your hands doing?
a. Resting inside your folded arms.
b. Touching your lips, your chin, maybe even his arm… only fleetingly, but you can’t help it.
c. One of them is stroking his back. You’re not sure what the other one’s doing, you’re too intoxicated by emotion.
c. Itching to hold his bumcheeks.

3. Over drinks, you find yourself leaning towards him. Why?
a. You’re sitting quite far apart, so it’s the only way to hear what he’s saying.
b. No idea. You just seem to be connecting.
c. You feel irresistibly drawn towards his soft lips.
d. All the better to rub thighs.

4. At the end of your chatty, flirty first date, you’d really like to see him again. As you say goodbye at the bus stop, you…
a. Wave and get on the bus.
b. Smile and maintain eye contact in the hope of getting a kiss.
c. Kiss him, nuzzle his face and wander off singing.
d. Grab his face, throw back his head and deep-throat him with your tongue.

5. You’re at a friend’s housewarming party with your new man. An hour after arriving, you’re…
a. In the kitchen, chatting to your friends.
b. In the kitchen, introducing your man to your friends.
c. In the kitchen, nuzzling your man and ignoring your friends.
d. Dry-humping on the stairs.

6. Five hours later, you’re…
a. In the kitchen, chatting to your friends.
b. Sitting on the sofa with your man’s arm around you, listening to some guy play the guitar.
c. Snogging on the sofa.
d. Humping on the stairs.

7. If you’re on a first date and the guy holds your hand, he’s…
a. Creepy.
b. Unusually upfront.
c. A true man, in touch with his feelings. Finally!
d. Got his hand in the wrong place. You waxed your thighs for a reason.

8. Your new man fancies a night out, and you suggest clubbing. Why?
a. For the tunes.
b. For the tunes – and because dancing makes you feel sexy.
c. So that you can snog his face off on the dancefloor.
d. So that you can have stand-up sex to 120-decibel ambient techno.

9. You’re helping your man choose some new jeans. How do you show your approval when he tries on a pair you like?
a. Give him the thumbs-up.
b. Tell him he looks gorgeous and give him a smacker on the lips.
c. Do a pretend swoon and snog him on the escalator.
d. Straddle him in the changing cubicle.

10. You’re meeting his parents for the first time. After you’ve eaten his mum’s Sunday roast, you…
a. Crash on the sofa to watch Strictly Come Dancing.
b. Take your man for hand-holdy stroll around his childhood town.
c. Canoodle on the sofa during Strictly Come Dancing.
d. Haul him upstairs for a game of Strictly Dance Coming.
What your answers say…

Mostly A: You’re a PDA-phobe
We’re not saying you lack warmth, but there are polar icecaps with more tenderness than you. Showing affection makes your lover feel attractive and wanted. If you seem distant, he may assume that you don’t feel the same way – and that you’re not worth the bother. Loosening up your PDA shyness will boost your dating success.

Mostly B: You’ve got your PDAs right
Good work: you know that public affection is an important part of making a relationship work. You’re not afraid to show your man that you’re proud of him and find him attractive. Just make sure that you keep up the private displays of affection, too. These are the PDAs that really matter, because there’s no agenda to them – you’re not showing off, just showing him that he’s valued.

Mostly C: Your PDAs have the ‘ick’ factor
Haven’t you heard that less is more? Slobbering over a man is no way to keep him interested. There’s a difference between showing him off (which boosts his ego) and showing him up (which embarrasses him and pretty much everyone else within in three-mile radius). Don’t play hard to get, but leave him wanting more.

Mostly D: Get a room!
It’s great to express your feelings in public, though not when those feelings are throbbing between your thighs. Public displays of randiness are not sexy, they’re rude, because they make people around you feel uncomfortable. Think of your poor man, too. Coming on to him in public makes you look desperate and won’t do your relationship any favours. If you’re secure in your feelings, you don’t need to paw him constantly to prove it.