13 stupidest dating tips

Say “thanks, but no thanks” to these chunks of misguided wisdom Everyone loves to give relationship advice. Partly because we all like to think we know best, and partly for the thrill of poking our noses into other people’s sexy business. So the net is stuffed with romantic advice, but some of it makes less sense than a circuit-bent Speak & Spell. Here’s our unlucky 13 well-meaning duds.

1. “It’s important to play hard to get”
Who said it: Paris Hilton. “A guy will want you much more if he can’t have you,” explained our favourite pooch-toting LA heir-head, who’s obviously got The Rules on one of her coffee tables.
Why it’s rubbish: Real men (perhaps not the ones that Paris meets) need their egos stroked on a daily basis, so they’re attracted to women who like them. Treating ‘em mean only makes ‘em go and find someone else.

2. “Wait two days before answering the call”
Who said it: Jennifer Aniston’s mates. Jen wisely calls it the “the worst advice I ever got.”
Why it’s rubbish: No man wants a stalker, but subtly letting him know you’re interested is the way to get a second date. We’re not sure why Jennifer’s friends think she needs help, ‘cause she pulled Brad Pitt, John Mayer, Vince Vaughan, Paul Sculfor and Gerard Butler all by herself.

3. “You can meet someone on the street and suddenly fall in love”
Who said it: Robert Pattinson, girly-faced believer in love at first sight.
Why it’s rubbish: Love is a stew of lust, friendship, trust, fascination, empathy and madness, and it takes time to develop. (We’re talking about romantic love, not love for your cat, or your Macbook Pro.) Lust at first sight happens all the time, but it ain’t love until you’ve shared a bathroom.

4. “Letting a man pay is a sign of respect”
Who said it: This is the “Manhattan rule” of dating. A newspaper outlined it thus: “You are a lady. Let him be the man.” Oh right, I’ll just get my Geisha outfit.
Why it’s rubbish: You can’t apply hard and fast rules to this, because it depends on so many factors. Who asked for the date, whether one of you had to travel, or one earns significantly more… all sorts. Many men do like to pay, especially if you’ve made an effort to dress up (call it the legwax tax), but it doesn’t mean he’s boss.

5. “Always have a second drink on a first date”
Who said it: Dating blog justkeepthechange.com reckons that if you turn up for a blind date and don’t fancy him, you should stay all evening anyway.
Why it’s rubbish: Life’s too short. When you’re on a blind date with a bloke whom you’d rather carry up Ben Nevis than have sex with, there’s no point in hanging around for more than one drink. You’re wasting your time and his, and you’re leading him on.

6. “Sing together on a date”
Who said it: Rabbi Shmuley Boteach in his book, Dating Secrets of the Ten Commandments. Apparently it’s a mood-boosty bonding thing.
Why it’s rubbish: If Katie n’ Pete have taught us anything, it’s that tuneless duets kill relationships. Duets should be between people who are related (the Carpenters, the Cheeky Girls, you and your dad drunk at a wedding), gay (Elton John and anyone), or in a karaoke booth in Tokyo.

7. “Sex is more special if you wait until you’re married”
Who said it: Mariah Carey, who waited a whole month after her first date with Nick Cannon before marrying him.
Why it’s rubbish: There’s some sense in waiting until you’re sure that you like him and he likes you. But if he’s only after a shag, it won’t make the blindest bit of difference if you do it on the first date or the fifth – he’ll still dump you afterwards. As for waiting until you’re married… that’s probably not the best time to find out that you’re wildly incompatible in the sack.

8. “Be together all the time”
Who said it: Katie Price, who said of Pete: “I love the fact that we’re together all the time.” A few weeks later, the divorce papers were in the post.
Why it’s rubbish: A clingy girlfriend is about as attractive as genital warts. While we’d never recommend playing hard to get (see above), a bit of independence goes a long way. Give him some space, or you’ll drive him insania.

9. “Be brutally honest with each other” 
Who said it: Gwyneth Paltrow, who writes a weekly relationships email to readers of her blog, GOOP.
Why it’s rubbish: Too much information can be infinitely more damaging than little while lies. Never be dishonest about infidelities or money, but don’t be “brutally honest” about your crush on the barman, or your ex’s supersized schlong, or the crapness of your bloke’s band.

10. “Put ice in your mouth when you go down on him.” 
Who said it: Cosmo, and a hundred other sex advice columns.
Why it’s rubbish: Look, he’s just happy that you’re going down on him. If you’re in a long-term relationship, mix things up occasionally to keep it fresh. But please do not put ice on his cock. You know how things shrink when they get cold…?

11. “Marry a man who loves you more than you love him.”
Who said it: “My friend’s mum told her this, so that he won’t stray,” says message board member tj-mac.
Why it’s rubbish: “My friend’s mum” must’ve hated her poor daughter. Either that, or she’d had an emotional intelligence bypass. Marriage to a bloke you’re not in love with is a depressing waste of your life. Many women have done it, and many women wish they hadn’t. Don’t go there.

12. “Be a whore in the bedroom and a maid in the kitchen.”
Who said it: Jerry Hall, ex-wife of Mick Jagger and mum to Lizzie. Note the “ex” part.
Why it’s rubbish: Real men are attracted to women who are themselves. Have confidence in the things you’re good at, whether that’s cooking or riding a BMX. And don’t surrender to your man’s every whim, or you’re headed for unhappiness in life and love.

13. “Tackle drunk bitches!”
Who said it: Jay out of The 40-Year-Old Virgin
Why it’s rubbish: Drunk men may be more likely to fancy you, but their willies don’t work. Next thing you know, they’re in your loo at 4am, drunk-texting their ex girlfriend and trailing vomit across your floor.