You turn up for a first date. You like what you see, you’re feeling the body language… and then their mouth spills out a stream of passion-killing nonsense.
Here are some utterances that you really don’t want to hear on a first date.
1. “You look just like my older brother/sister.”
What, like an older version of yourself, but with middle-aged spread and controlling tendencies? Charmed.
2. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but…”
These words tagged onto the front of a sentence mean: “I am about to insult you, and if you take it badly, it’s your fault.”
3. Any sentence in which they get your name wrong.
A blow too far for even the sturdiest dating ego.
4. “I love New York. We should definitely go there one day.”
Good to hear that someone likes you, not so good to hear them planning out your joint future when there’s still froth on your first pint.
5. “My mum would love you.”
Yeah that’s nice. ‘Bye.
6. “Not for me, I’m on the wagon.”
It’s honest and worthy of your date to admit that they’re a recovering alcoholic, but you didn’t want to hear it on a first date. Especially just before you order the double vodka that you’ve been looking forward to all day.
7. “No thanks, I’m too fat already.”
If they feel moved to say this on a first date, imagine how much they’ll bellyache about it once you’re seeing each other. Too much like hard work.
8. “Look at that baby! Aw ickle wickle schweeet.”
They’re just after your chromosomes.
9. Them answering their mobile.
You’ve had a drink and a chat, you’re now enjoying a romantic dinner, and it’s all going brilliantly – until their phone rings, and they answer it. Tell me, how invisible do you feel?
10. “The necklace? It was from my ex.”
They might as well be wearing a T-shirt that says: “I may be dating you, but I cry into my pillow about my ex every night.”
11. “What are you thinking about?”
No-one wants to be asked this question without warning, especially on a first date. It’s impossible to answer honestly, because you’re probably thinking about the itch on your foot or the weird hinge on the table.
12. “Oh sorry, I forgot my purse.”
They’ll only think to say this when the bill comes, of course. Run for the hills, and take your wallet with you.
13. “My therapist said…”
Did you meet them at your support group? That’s OK then.
14. “You don’t watch soaps, do you?”
It’s not nice to have your tastes criticised, especially by someone you’ve only known for 20 minutes. Such comments deserve a glass of wine in the face.
15. “Waiter? Get me your manager, I’m reporting you.”
Being rude to a waiter or barman is one of the rudest and most embarrassing things a date can do to you. Get your own back by running off with the waiter.
16. “Come onnn, it’s only midnight! I know this great little place…”
Sadly, this companion has not mastered the art of leaving you wanting more.